


The road to self discovery.

by astrophilian



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bi Eddie Kaspbrak, Can be placed after IT or be canon divergent, Coming Out, Eddie's pov, F/M, First Kiss, Gay Richie Tozier, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Richie's learning to love himself with Eddie's help, Suicide Thoughts (briefly in ch2), bill's POV, happy ending bc fuck sad endings, mentioned Ben/Bev but no big deal, richie's pov, there are no mentions of clowns but it still works with canon, they are so fucking cute i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-10-28 06:30:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrophilian/pseuds/astrophilian
Summary: “Richie, we’re the same. We’re just human.”“How are you so okay with this?”“How are you not?”---Or, I started writing Reddie without a plot and it turned into this.Sorry if it seems like it doesn't have a coherent thread throughout, it's probably bc it wasn't planned.





	1. The planted seed.

**Author's Note:**

> POVs change from chapter to chapter, this one's Eddie's POV.  
I have the whole thing written already, and since it ended up being 7 chapters long I'll be posting one a day for a week.  
This is the first time I've written Reddie or anything from Stephen King's novels, so bare with me if I don't have the voices down.  
Enjoy!

That damn hammock.

Eddie knew before he even stepped a foot into the ladder that Richie was laying on the hammock. He was readying his argument for why Richie shouldn’t use it all the time and that he wasn’t the only one in the group, when he finally set foot in the clubhouse.

Bev’s backpack was there, as well as Ben’s and Stan’s, but only Richie was actually there. Eddie frowned. “Where’s everyone?”

“I think they went to the lake.” Richie said, unbothered.

“And why didn’t you go?”

The other boy finally looked up from his comic and their eyes met. There was something there, behind the big eyes his glasses made. Eddie didn’t quite know what it was, though. He crossed his arms. “So?”

“I was gonna meet your mother, give her the goods.” He said a moment later and Eddie groaned.

Richie always used his mom as a joke, and so did Eddie. It was the way the two of them worked since…. well, _forever_. It didn’t mean Eddie couldn’t groan and act annoyed, though.

He approached the hammock and pushed it with his knee. “It’s my turn.”

“Says who?”

“The rules, you can’t be here all day.”

“How do you know I’ve been here all day?” Richie asked, a smirk on his face now as he openly enjoyed annoying Eddie. “For all you know, I’ve been here three minutes.”

“We both know that’s not the case.”

“Good luck proving it, Spaghetti.”

Eddie pushed it again, harder, and Richie held onto the fabric with a hand. “I want to lay down!”

“Do it then! Just don’t kill me in the process!”

Eddie looked at the hammock. They’d shared it before. Ben and Bev had shared it too. Bill and Bev too, a while ago. Eddie sighed.

He hated Richie. With the nice black hair and his stupid lips and those long legs that didn’t seem to have an end to them. And how he was so sure of himself most of the time, even if he wasn’t and it was only pretend. Eddie saw through him whenever that was the case. He’d learnt to see pass the jokes.

This wasn’t a joke though. Richie was serious, telling him to lay down next to him. So, Eddie did.

He pushed him to the side so he could lay down, and his feet ended up next to Richie face. Richie’s legs were bent, he was using them to rest his comic, and so his feet were now under Eddie’s back.

“Your feet smell.” Richie said, but he didn’t move away. Eddie felt his cheeks burn and he started bending his knees, when Richie placed one of his hands over his shin.

Eddie looked at his hand and stopped moving. His mouth was suddenly dry, and he had to force himself to look away. “Sorry.” He said. “I’ll go sit somewhere else.”

Richie looked over his knees at him. “I don’t mind your stinky feet, God knows my feet smell terrible, too.”

Eddie chuckled, because he knew. The only reason he couldn’t complain right now was because they were underneath him, but Richie’s feet in the summer? One of the worst smells he’d ever smelt. “I’m surprised you even have a sense of smell anymore; I would’ve thought your nose would wanna avoid the punishment of smelling your own feet.”

“That’s exactly what I was wondering about your sense of hearing, I can’t believe your ears still listen to the shit your mouth says.” Richie teased back.

“They’re used to it; they have to listen to you”

Richie didn’t reply, which meant Eddie won this one, but he smiled at him. Eddie smiled back and let his head rest against the fabric and closed his eyes.

Some time passed; Eddie wasn’t sure how long. He had half fallen asleep, with the soft breeze that came down the entrance from time to time keeping it cool, and Richie swinging the hammock softly.

His peace and quiet came to an end when he started to hear Bev in the distance, with Ben talking about something about seeing a red fish in the water.

Eddie opened his eyes and looked at Richie, who was looking at the stairs. Eddie turned around to look too, and he saw Stan making his way down the ladder, followed by Bev and Ben respectively.

“Hey Eddie! Didn’t know you’d come today!” the girl said, ruffling his hair as she walked past him.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

She shrugged. “Thought your mom would be giving you hell for showing up with a leech on your leg the other day.”

Richie laughed, loud and clear, and Eddie kicked his face softly. “Shut up!”

“_Take it off, take it off! NO, NOT LIKE THAT! Oh, God, I’m gonna lose my leg!_”, Richie’s imitation of Eddie had everyone laughing, and Eddie himself crossed his arms again and frowned.

“I didn’t sound like that.”

“You sounded exactly like that.”

“Fuck you, Stan.”

“You’re just jealous that my impression of you is better than your impression of me” Richie teased.

“Debatable.” Stan spoke again, and Eddie grinned in his direction.

“Thanks!”

“Stan, pick a side and stick to it.” Richie complained, to which Stan just shrugged.

“I’m not gonna lie to anyone.”

Eddie grinned, feeling the victory sweet in his lips.

“I’m gonna smack that smug out of your face, Kaspbrak, fair warning.” Richie said, and his words were more threatening that the intentions or his face were. This made Eddie’s smile grow, and so Richie’s leg got from underneath his back and hit him right in the mouth.

“Ow!”, Eddie complained, a hand immediately moving to cover his lips. He felt it wet and looked down, fearing to see red covering his hand. It was just spit though, and so he wiped it on Richie’s leg, which was now resting across his chest.

“Ew!! Eddie, you’re gross!”

“You just put your stinky, gray-looking sock in my mouth!”

Bev laughed besides them, and the two boys turned to her. She was sitting next to Ben, their legs touching at the knees, and Ben looked anything but calm about it. Bev was shaking her head, most likely at them, and so Eddie looked at Richie and they shared thoughts without speaking.

“Hey, Bev, what are you laughing at?” Eddie asked, turning at her again.

“You two idiots, you sound like married couples on TV, who pretend they hate each other but don’t.”

Eddie pursed his lips. “We don’t hate each other, though. You know that.”

“That’s what you say, I’m still thinking it through.”

“We’ve been friends for ten years, get over it.”

“Shut it, I still have my options open.”

“That!” Bev said, taking the attention of the boys back to her. “You pretend you’re annoyed, and it’s so funny because you love each other!”

There’s a silence that settled, not only between the boys in the hammock, but in the room. Ben looked at her, eyes open like she wasn’t supposed to say that, and if Eddie could see Stan, who was sitting behind him, he was sure he’d find the same expression in his eyes.

The tension could be cut with a butter knife.

Richie hated these kinds of silence as much as he hated Bowers, so he chuckled and hit Eddie’s side of his face with his foot slightly. “I’m considering my options for that, too.”

Eddie hit his foot away from himself and looked back at him. “You know what, me too!”

On the opposite wall, Eddie could see Ben lean in to whisper something to Bev, but he decided to ignore it… it wasn’t as if his heart could handle any more surprises.


	2. Like a sprout in spring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richie's POV.  
It gets a bit dark and this is where the suicide mentions come in. It's not too serious but it's there.  
Also, very internalised homophobia ensues.

Richie hated September almost as much as awkward silences and Bowers. Summer was over, and it was time to pretend not to care about studying, while also killing himself every night with homework to be able to get the fuck out of Derry. The losers knew he was smart, they all shared their grades at the end of the semester, but the only person who knew the effort he put into it was Eddie.

They would spend time together after school, when everyone had already left to do whatever they had to do, and Eddie didn’t mind studying with him.

September though, he thought, was dumb.

They didn’t have enough homework, but they didn’t have as much freedom to do whatever they wanted. The weather was miserable. And who the **_fuck_** invented waking up early?

“What if I jump from the school ceiling?” he asked his friend, who was sitting at his desk. Eddie turned slightly to him, eyes moving along his body.

“What’s the purpose of this jump?”

“Imminent death and release from the pain of going back to school.”

Eddie pretended to think for a moment before he shook his head. “Can’t let you.”

“I thought you’d say that.” Richie smiled, turning his head to look at his ceiling again. Eddie turned back to his notebook. “What if I jump from the city hall?”

“Richie, I know you’re just joking, but suicide isn’t funny.” Eddie said, fully turning to face him now. “So, if you need to talk let me know.”

It wasn’t a question. It was never a question with Eddie. Richie sighed and shrugged. “It’s nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

Richie looked at him through his thick glasses and thought how much he wanted to kiss that frown from Eddie’s face. And right after, he felt disgusted at himself and sat up on the bed.

“I guess seeing your face every day finally made me lose my marbles, huh?”

There was a hint of pain in Eddie’s eyes, and Richie felt like he wanted to throw up. He didn’t want his friend to feel like this. He didn’t wanna be the person bringing him pain.

“You’re hurtful when you’re hurting.” Eddie almost whispers.

“Wait – what?”

“You always joke when you don’t know what to say or when the situation is awkward. But if you’re in a bad mood, your jokes aren’t funny. They hurt.” Eddie spoke as if he’d been thinking this for a long time. Richie thought how many times he’d hurt him before.

“I’m sorry.” He said, looking down at his knees.

“I know.”

Eddie had always been the one person who knew Richie the most. Ever since kindergarten, ever since they started talking about – whatever kids talked about. Ever since Richie sat down next to him, covered in mud, and offered him his hand and introduced himself; and a small, clean looking Eddie took his hand, introduced himself, and smiled back.

He didn’t know back then, of course, that that fluttering feeling in his heart would not only not go away but grow more and more every day. When Eddie started “_dating_” a girl named Susan Knight, at the tender age of 7, and then he came to his house two days later with a grossed-out look saying she kissed him and how “gross and slimy” it was.

When Eddie sat on his bed and complained about the mess of his room, so Richie would clean it up just so he could hear an “_ohh_” the next day he came.

When Eddie got him an ice cream, but no one else.

When he got all angry about Richie taking the fucking hammock to himself, and instead of pushing him out of it, just sat down with him, making their bodies touch everywhere.

“Is this about –” Eddie paused, eyes scanning him, as Richie’s scanned him back, waiting. “What Bev said?”

Richie felt he was gonna throw up, again. He hated that Eddie knew him so fucking well; he hated that he not only couldn’t keep secrets from him, but that he immediately knew when he did. At least he didn’t know the worst one.

“What?” he faked ignorance.

“The other day, before school started.” Eddie continued. He was really the braver one of the two. “I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, if it wasn’t for everyone’s reaction. Like she wasn’t supposed to say, you know?”

Richie nodded. He knew what Eddie was saying, because it had been in his mind constantly the last few weeks. It was like, ever since she mentioned it, something in his mind had been on red alert and he couldn’t stop thinking about feelings.

“Well, I wanted to talk about it.” The way he said it, so sure of himself, made Richie’s heart do that thing again.

“What is there to talk about?”

Another glistening bit of pain in Eddie’s eyes. _Fuck_.

“Nothing, I guess.” He turned around and faced his notebook again.

He didn’t stay when he finished.

Richie felt the worst and most useless piece of shit when the door shut close and he was left alone. Eddie would normally say something funny, like “_smell ya later, mudsocks_” or “_don’t miss me too much, Tozier_”, but this time he said the softest “bye” and Richie couldn’t get over it.

He knew he fucked up. But that was the thing. He knew no matter what, anything he did would be fucked up. Like, how is he supposed to keep their friendship the same when he knew what was inside of him. That feeling, that want. The ever-lingering sensation that he was gonna throw up every time he saw Eddie.

Richie was sure his thoughts would send him to hell. There was no way God, or whoever the fuck was up there, would look down at him, would know his deepest desires, and not send him straight to hell. And he couldn’t drag Eddie into this. He couldn’t hold his hand when they stood close, or kiss him when he was being annoying, or-

Richie had made it to his room, and he felt like crying. He felt like screaming in agony and hitting things and slamming doors and shattering windows. He wanted to let whatever was inside of him out, be _normal_ for once. But instead, he kept quiet. He looked at the walls of his room, covered in female supermodels, and felt this shame in his stomach build up until he was rushing out of his room and into the bathroom to finally vomit.

When he came back, after a long while in the bathroom, his room smelled like Eddie. His desk was organized as Eddie liked. The floor was clear of dirty clothes and rubbish. The bed was kind of made. And he stood there, finally coming to the realization that these urges, these feelings, these needs, were never going to go anywhere.

Whatever his punishment was for them. He couldn’t help it. God knew he’d tried, he’d pretended, he’d lied, he’d looked at girls and looked at boys and he convinced himself that what he felt towards girls was what everyone else felt, and that his feelings for <strike>boys</strike> Eddie were just what friends felt.

But it was all for nothing in the end.

He hurt his best friend. He lied to every one of the losers. He hated that part of himself… and he was gonna live with that.


	3. Tear irrigation.

Eddie slammed the door when he got home, which also won him a few screams from his mom. He didn’t care though. He was crying as soon as he stepped foot into his house and sobbing when he finally reached his bed.

He hugged the pillow and cried into it, the bottled-up fear, and anxiety, and bravery turned into disappointment, and the pain; all spilling out without any means to control it. So he just cried, and cried, and cried some more, until there weren’t tears left to cry.

Eddie knew that he wasn’t like the rest of the losers. He was well aware that not everyone was as conscious about cleanliness, or dangers, or safety; and he didn’t mind it.

But he also knew that his preferences were different than the rest.

He liked girls. He did like them. He thought they were pretty and soft and funny and a bit intimidating because the ones in his grade were getting taller than him by the second, but he also liked that.

He liked seeing girls in the spring with their flowery patterned dresses and their hair updos and their giggling and whispering.

But Eddie fucking **_loved_** boys… just, in a different way. Boys were gross, and untidy, and loud and obnoxious. Boys pretended to like things they didn’t care about just to be friends with other boys. Boys couldn’t show feelings, even if they felt them, and they were expected to be strong and manly.

He liked seeing boys get ready for sport season, wearing the school uniforms for practice, and he liked their open laughs, with their heads tilted back and hands patting their stomachs.

He’d been like this for as long as he could remember.

And it had never been a problem until he realized that he liked one person in particular, and that person happened to be his very male, very straight best friend.

What the fuck do you do when you catch feelings for someone who won’t love you back? How do you clean that wound? How do you heal? Eddie knew how to treat mostly anything a 14-year-old could catch, and then some. But no one told him how to get rid of _feelings_.

“Fuck you, Richie” he whispered against his pillow, bringing it closer to his chest. He knew he didn’t mean it. He knew, no matter how deep Richie’s words cut, he was still his best friend. He was still in love with him.

And maybe he was right, and Richie was hurtful because he was in pain. But then, why wouldn’t he tell him what was going on? Eddie was his best friend, Richie had to tell him! It wasn’t fair to just hurt him like this with no explanation!!

The next day, Richie didn’t show up to first period. Eddie looked at the door the whole time, and he didn’t show up. When he left the classroom to go get his new book and go to Biology, however, he saw him. Their lockers were close by, and Richie’s locker was open. He rushed to it and cleared his throat. “Are you alright?”

Richie bolted from behind the door and looked at him. There was something in his eyes that Eddie couldn’t quite place. “Yeah. Fell asleep.”

That was a lie, and they both knew the other knew too. But Eddie nodded, nonetheless. “You didn’t miss much, I’ll let you copy my notes.”

Richie nodded, too. He turned to his locker to grab the book and closed the metal door. When he did, he stared at it for a moment before turning to Eddie with a frown. “You’re not mad at me?”

Eddie blinked. Was he? He should, he should be mad and not talking to him… but he didn’t want that. So, he shrugged. “I guess not.”

Richie smiled, just ever so slightly. “I owe you a conversation. Lunch time?”

Eddie nodded a few times. “Yeah.”

Biology had never been as boring and long as it was that day. Even Bill couldn’t keep his eyes open the whole way through, and the fact that Richie wasn’t being himself and joking about ‘_the birds and the bees_’ didn’t help. Math’s came after, and Eddie really considered stabbing his hand with the pen just so he could be sent to the nurse’s office.

He didn’t, though, and lunch time finally arrived.

He waited for Richie outside of the classroom, his hands starting to sweat in anticipation. ‘_Owning him a conversation_’ wasn’t something Richie had ever said to him, and he was scared.

When the taller boy finally joined him, Eddie had already started biting his nails. “Stop that” Richie said, hitting his hand away from his mouth. “Let’s go, I want to go somewhere quiet.”

They walked all the way up to the third floor, where the seniors were. Some of them still had class, so both boys were being careful to not be caught. At the end of the corridor, there was an empty room, and Richie slid in.

“Tell me you’re not gonna kill me.” Eddie half-joked. “I don’t wanna die in a school, it’s full of germs.”

“I’m not gonna kill you – and what do you care about germs, once you’re dead it doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me!”

Richie shook his head and smiled, before sitting on one of the desks and patting the one in front of it so Eddie would sit there.

He did, and the two of them were now in the middle of an empty classroom, eye to eye.

Eddie swallowed.

“So….?”

“I’m gay.”

Eddie’s jaw dropped to the floor, eyes scanning Richie’s face to look for any sign that this was a joke. There wasn’t any, though, and he could see his friend start to get panicky, so he thought of what to say.

“Oh! Uh – that’s –” he frowned for a second, trying to find the words. “I thought you were straight.”

“Well, I’m not.” Richie sighed. “I’m gay. I understand if you don’t wanna be friends anymore. I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Why wouldn’t I wanna be friends with you?” Eddie asked, words suddenly coming to him. “I’m your best friend, why – why would that change?”

“I’m gay, Eddie! That’s not – it’s not something you should be close to! I’m a monster!”

Eddie felt several pieces of his heart falling to his feet. One fell because Richie could never be a monster, and the mere fact that he thought so was painful. Another one was because, if he thought he was a monster for liking boys, what would he think of _him_? Another one fell because the boy he loved was gay and he still didn’t love him back.

Eddie’s vision got blurry, and he felt the tears falling down his cheeks before he could process them. Richie’s thumb wiped them off, and Eddie grabbed his hand and kept it against his cheek.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Ed’s. I didn’t mean to.”

“Would you just shut the fuck up?” Richie looked at him, surprised. “We’re having a conversation, it’s my turn.” Eddie kept hold of Richie’s hand, though he moved them to his lap. “I don’t know what I am. I know I like girls, but I know I like boys. I never thought I was different or a monster… But if you think you are one, what does that make me?”

Richie kept quiet for a long moment, that seemed to drag on and on, until his lips parted. “You… You like boys too?”

“Yes.”

“How… when…” he looked down at their hands and then up at Eddie’s eyes again. “You’re not a monster.”

“Why?”

“Because you could never be a monster, Ed’s.”

“And you could?”

Richie let go of his hand, like his skin burnt him. “I’m not sure.”

“Richie, we’re the same. We’re just human.”

“How are you so okay with this?”

“How are you not?”

“Because liking boys is not –” he shut up, looking down at his lap.

“Okay? Normal? Who says so? I can’t control liking boys, and I’m sure you can’t control liking boys either!”

Richie looked at him, and Eddie knew he was speechless. Very few times had this happened, where Richie hadn’t known what to say, not even a joke. Eddie cleared his throat.

“I accept you, Richie.” He said, jumping off the table and onto his feet. He didn’t walk away though, he just stood there, looking at the big eyes through the glasses. “I know you accept me too. We’re best friends, we have to. So now I’m asking that you accept yourself, for me.”


	4. Nourished Seedling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's from Bill's POV. I _don't know_ why I kept changing POVs but I just did what felt like it would fit.  
Other tags that could apply to this chapter are: eddie is richie's hero, ben is crushing, stan and mike aren't here for your awkwardness, supportiveness? all we know.  
The next chapter is longer! Let me know if you're liking it ♥

The Losers met every Friday after school, no matter the weather. They could change locations, if maybe one parent was gone for the evening, or they’d meet up for pancakes or in their clubhouse.

It was Friday after school now, and Bill met the others outside, next to the bikes. “S-s-so, where to?” he asked, looking around.

Richie and Eddie were far enough from each other that Bill thought it was weird, but the fact that they weren’t messing with each other was the most worrying part of all.

Bev shrugged, and so did Mike, so Bill looked at Stan and Ben for input. “Guys?”

“My house is empty”, Ben offered. “We could go there.”

“Puh-perfect.” Bill said, getting on his bike and riding next to Ben. The two boys were a bit ahead of the rest, so he took the chance to ask. “What’s up with Eh-Eh-Eddie and Richie?”

Ben shrugged slightly, as much as he could with his backpack on and both hands on the bike still. “No idea, they’ve been like this since lunch.”

“It’s weird.”

“Very.”

“What’s with the gossiping, boys?” Bev asked, also in a low tone, as she caught up to them. “Is this about –” there was no need to finish the sentence, as the two boys nodded their heads.

Richie and Eddie’s dynamic had been like this before they were even a group. Whenever Bill saw one of them, the other would always be teasing or arguing with them, loud and in their face, and unapologetically so. They were the first one to point out the other’s mistake, but if they weren’t, they’d be the first one to defend them.

The bickering was their way of communicating, the way they knew if the other was in a specific mood or if something had happened. They were in sync, like that.

They also spent more time alone than any of them, but that came with a big group of people, and Bill understood that they were just inclined to trust the other more.

That’s how Eddie and Richie worked.

But this silence, this distance. This wasn’t them. This wasn’t one of them having a bad day. This was a problem.

“I d-don’t know if we should say something though. It seems to be-be personal.”

“It has to be, I mean – they skipped lunch and came back like this. Something happened.” Ben nodded.

“I agree, but I can’t help but be curious. Do you guys think it’s gonna be okay?”

“We’ll deal with it if it isn’t.”

It definitely wasn’t okay. The rest of the losers had not only noticed but began to act weird about it. Stan was sitting between the two of them on the floor of Ben’s bedroom, and he looked ready for the earth to swallow him.

Mike was sitting on the desk chair, pretending to read Ben’s wall of newspaper articles, and ignoring all the awkward silences that formed every time a topic was exhausted.

Ben, Bev and Bill were on the bed, sharing looks and grimaces. Until Bill stood up.

“Okay, guh-guys.” He looked at Richie and Eddie, and Stan took Bill’s place on the bed, leaving an awkward empty space between the two boys now. “What’s goh-goh-going on?”

“Nothing!” Eddie was so quick to reply that even Richie frowned at it.

“It’s private.” Richie said then.

“We don’t mind what you two talked about, it’s your business, but you’re not acting like yourselves and that’s worrying us.” Bev said from behind Bill, and he was thankful for her.

“W-Whatever you wanna talk about, or whatever you _hah-have_ to talk about, do it. Because seeing you b-both like this is sad.”

Richie looked at Eddie, inquiring. Eddie looked from Bill to Richie and they shared one of those looks that only they understood.

Bill stood there, waiting, fingers tapping anxiously against his thigh.

“Well.” Eddie started, clearing his throat. “I like boys.” He said. Bill saw his cheeks start to get redder and redder, and so did his ears. “And I like girls, too.”

Mike had turned to face them now, and Bill looked over to the bed to see Bev smiling softly and Ben covering his mouth.

“Thanks for trusting us.” Bev jumped off the bed and knelt in front of Eddie, hugging him. “You’re very brave for saying it.”

Eddie stood still for a moment, looking up at Bill, who hadn’t said anything yet. Then he looked at Stan and smiled.

“Well.” Bill was now the one to clear his throat, and he sat down on the floor. “I’m guh-glad you feel safe to tell us, Eddie.” He rested a hand over his knee once Bev moved back. She didn’t go back to the bed, instead sitting also on the floor. “But I don’t uh-understand how that- why you’re both ah-acting like this.”

Eddie looked at Richie again and offered his hand out. Richie took it, a hint of a smile on his lips answering a question no one else heard but him. Bill frowned slightly and looked over at the rest of the group.

“He was just getting ready to kick your asses if you didn’t accept me.” Eddie joked. Richie laughed, for the first time that day, and then scooted over to sit next to Eddie.

Whatever their secret was, Bill wouldn’t push any further. He knew better than pressuring people to talk. **_No_**. If they wanted to talk to him, they would. If they wanted to tell the group, they would. And if they didn’t, then it wasn’t their business to begin with.

The important part is that their dynamic started to be the same again. They started teasing each other and annoying each other, and making fun of each other, but also of the same people, together.

The change in the atmosphere was instant, and all for a silly thing. Bill knew it wasn’t silly though, in the big scheme of things, but in their small group, their family? Whoever you liked or didn’t like would never influence anything. He’d make sure of it.

Bill was the last one to leave Ben’s house. He hugged his friend and walked to his bike.

“Crazy, huh?” Ben finally said, a soft smile on his features.

“What?”

“Eddie thinking we’d judge him.”

“Ah, yes.” Bill shook his head. “I guh-guess there’s always a f-fear of being judged by those closer to you.”

“Do you have that fear?”

Bill paused for a moment and then shrugged. “Not w-with us.”

“Even of your darkest secret?”

“No. How about you?”

Ben shrugged, but his eyes laid low, focused on the ground beneath them.

“You can tell me anything, ah-ah-anytime, Ben. No judgement f-from me.”

“Thanks, Bill.” He said and stepped back. “Ride safe!”


	5. Flower buds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soft for them please love these kids.

Richie still couldn’t believe what had happened that day. He not only told Eddie his biggest secret, the one that kept him awake at night, but Eddie liked boys as well – and he told the losers and they didn’t care?

Richie stared at the blurry ceiling of his room, the glasses resting on the bedside table. He rubbed his eyes with the knuckles of his hands and sighed. He was petrified of doing what Eddie had done. Telling his best friend was one thing, but telling his group of best friends felt dangerous. Richie knew they wouldn’t care, either. They’d be happy for him, as they were for Eddie, and they’d move on. Maybe start teasing him about the ‘your mother’ jokes, but he could definitely live with that. So, why was he such a scaredy cat? Why couldn’t he come clean about his own sexuality?

“Ugh.” He groaned, pushing himself up. He sat down in the bed and looked around.

He couldn’t see shit, but he could feel the posters of the female models staring at him and judging him. “I guess pretending is over.” He whispered and stood up on the bed to start pulling and ripping the papers. The bare, white walls seemed to Richie not only like a brand-new start, but like his sins were washed away.

Eddie was right. He was always right.

Richie couldn’t think of his best friend, of Ed Kaspbrak, as a monster. There was no way. And he wouldn’t be the one to go against his word when he said he wasn’t either. He’d seen Eddie lose it, he didn’t wanna be the one he lost it to.

Just as he shoved the last piece of paper into the now full bin of his room, a soft thud sounded behind him. He turned, but there was nothing there. He finally grabbed for the glasses and came closer to the window.

“Eddie?” He frowned, opening the panels and leaning out of it. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He asked in a hurried whisper. “It’s late, your mom will kill you!”

“It’s the weekend! Let me in!”

“Kitchen.”

He turned around, grabbed his bin and made his way downstairs, to the kitchen. His mom was in the living room, watching TV, and even though she didn’t turn around to check on him, she noticed him. “What are you doing?”

“Emptying the bin.” He answered, hurriedly.

“That’s a first.”

“I cleaned.”

“That’s also a first.”

Richie let out an annoyed sigh and finally entered the kitchen. Eddie was at the door, hiding in case his mom showed up, and Richie made his best effort to open the door while not making any noise, and also empty the damn bin. Eddie frowned slightly, but Richie just shrugged it off. Leaving the ground floor wasn’t as hard as Richie was expecting, since his mom couldn’t be bothered to stop watching whatever she was watching for even a second.

Once the two boys were in the room, Richie closed the door and turned to see Eddie already sitting down on his bed. He was staring at the walls, now empty. “Wow.” He simply said, and Richie felt naked himself.

“I – I thought that would be a good start.” He sat down on his desk chair and turned it to face Eddie on the bed. “Not that it’s not good to see you—” Richie started to say, then. “But what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t –” Eddie seemed to think his words through, so Richie let him. “I wanted to check up on you.”

Richie wasn’t satisfied with that answer. He frowned and tilted his head, like a confused puppy. “What?”

Eddie sighed. “I didn’t wanna be at home.”

“Did something happen?”

“My mom.”

Richie’s heart froze as his blood started boiling up. A very weird mix. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Rich.”

A soft nod was given, as his long legs pushed the chair forward to come closer to Eddie. “Alright. What do you wanna talk about then, Spaghetti?”

Eddie chuckled slightly and shook his head. “You redesigned your room.”

“Hah, yes. Might have to look for new inspiration to cover the walls.”

“What were you thinking?”

Richie’s eyebrow rose, as he considered it. A moment later, he shrugged. “I must be the worst gay person ever, but I don’t know.”

“Well, who’s your crush?”

Richie stared at Eddie’s face for what felt three hours, words refusing to come out. ‘_You, dumbass_.’ Were the first that came to mind, but he wouldn’t dare say them. Instead, he thought of the first male actor that would pop up. “Harrison Ford.”

“Oh, he’s nice looking.” Eddie nodded. “I approve of your taste.”

“I wasn’t asking for acceptance, but thanks.”

Eddie laughed slightly, looking around. “I like John Travolta.”

Richie frowned, pushing his glasses up his nose as he sat down on the chair in front of his desk. “Really?”

“What, ‘_really_’?”

“I don’t know – his face’s weird.”

“I like how he dances.” He shrugged, a bit defensive, and Richie smiled.

“Fair enough.” Richie conceded, his head falling back against the chair. “I also kinda like the guy from the Goonies.”

“There are a lot of guys in the Goonies.”

“The protagonist – Mikey.”

“Oh.” Eddie nodded once, acknowledging it. “I like Mouth more.”

There was a silence when both boys looked at each other. They’d joked around a few years back, when the movie had come out, that Eddie was like Mikey -the inhaler, being braver than he looked (though they ultimately went with _Mikey’s Bill because he’s the leader_, which Richie agreed with, but he couldn’t help but think Mikey’s character was very much like Eddie, since the way he lead wasn’t like the way Bill did)- and Richie was like Mouth -couldn’t keep quiet underwater, pretended to be dumb but wasn’t-. It was also where _Trashmouth_ really became a thing for them. And now they were there and looking at each other and Richie felt he had to say something because he always had to fill silences with gibberish.

“So, you’re gonna get new posters?” He asked, and Richie was thankful for it.

“I guess. I think I’m gonna enjoy the walls white for now, I don’t have a plan.”

“Let me know when you start decorating, I’ll help.”

Richie squinted his eyes as he smiled. “You’re gonna have to accept all the men I hang up on my walls, like Harrison Ford?”

“Maybe. I can’t let you have ugly people looking at you, you know?”

They’d relaxed now: Richie leaning back on the chair, Eddie resting against the wall with his legs across the bed. Richie took their silence in for a bit, before he looked at his hands. “Thank you for what you did today.”

“What?”

“You know – telling everyone.”

“Ah.” Eddie’s smile was a little bit awkward, like he wasn’t expecting Richie to thank him. “Well, I wanted to prove to you it was okay – and they’re my best friends, they deserve to know.” He shrugged it off like it was nothing, and Richie realized how much he admired him.

“You’re so fucking brave, Ed’s.” He let out softly, before grinning and standing up from the chair. “Do you wanna stay over? We could read _X-Men_ and eat all the rubbish food your mom won’t let you.”

Eddie thought about it. “She’s gonna freak out if she comes check up on me and I’m not there.”

Richie walked up to the bed, hitting one of Eddie’s foot with his knee.

“Do you wanna leave then? I could walk you.”

Eddie looked up at him and smiled. “I guess I can stay a little while longer.” He kicked Richie’s leg and Richie smiled. “I got the newest comic, let me find it.”

Eddie turned so he was laying down on the bed, playing with his hands on his lap, as Richie started going through his backpack. This was a thing they used to do before both of them started reading them at their own time. They’d meet up on weekends and catch up on _X-Men_, or _Spider-man_, or whatever comic release there’d been. They would lay down and share it, reading it together and judging whatever happened, and then they’d talk about what would happen next and what they thought the heroes and villains could’ve done differently to improve the outcome.

This was their tradition long before the Losers.

Richie didn’t realize how much he missed it until he laid down next to Eddie. Their sides were touching from shoulder to knee, Eddie’s figure small against him, but perfect at the same time. Richie thought for a moment of how much he always looked forward to reading comics, just because it meant being this close to him. And then he thought how weird it was that he’d always wanted to be _this_ close to Eddie. No matter how far back he looked, he’d always wanted to touch.

Those nasty thoughts he’d been trying to push away from his mind came back, whispering bitter things and calling him all the awful stuff he came to believe about himself. They didn’t even make it pass page one when his hands gripped the paper until it wrinkled, and Eddie stopped reading mid-sentence to look at him.

“Are you okay?”

Richie was caught off guard by him speaking, so he turned his head to look at Eddie and used him to ground himself. This was dumb. This was extremely dumb. How could he accept himself when his mind was the one not doing so? He was pathetic. No matter how many posters of naked women he threw away, he’d never be able to do it. Not like Eddie could. He was a coward, a baby, he couldn’t even bare dealing with his own thoughts, how’d he be able to deal with his friends' opinions?

“Richie, you’re hyperventilating, look at me.” Eddie’s voice sounded so far away, and Richie didn’t realize his breathing had become so light and fast until he brought it up, but once he noticed he freaked out.

His big eyes followed Eddie’s lips, trying to make out what he was saying through the deafening sound of his heartbeat in his ears. He blinked a few times when his eyes started to get teary, and then Eddie’s fingers wiped the tears away and smiled at him, soothing. He kept talking, and all Richie could do was focus on him. Look at him while all those dark and embarrassing thoughts kept getting further and further away.

Eddie’s hand stayed pressed against his cheek, and Richie’s let go of the comic to grab his arm. Eddie’s lips kept talking, and the words started getting to his brain. “—fine, you’re gonna be okay. You’ve helped me through my panic attacks, you know how bad they are until they’re gone. I’m here. Breathe with me, Rich, come on.”

Richie followed his breathing, slow and deep, and managed to calm down after a while. He felt lightheaded, like he was about to throw up and fly away at the same time. He hadn’t noticed Ed’s hand on his chest, right above his heart, or how close to his face he was. His eyes ran up and down Ed’s frame, his soft facial features and his scared eyes.

“Are you feeling better?” He asked, his thumb caressing his cheek.

Richie nodded.

“Good. I’ll go get you some water, will you be okay?”

Richie nodded again.

Eddie stood up, leaving the comic on the bedside table, and left the room in a hurry. Richie stared at the wooden door for what felt like centuries, until he felt strong enough to sit up against the headboard.

_What the fuck was that? _He never had panic attacks like these, not anymore anyway, not after his dad left. And they were always for important reasons, and not out of the blue. What the fuck was the reason for this?

He heard steps approach his room and Eddie walked in, closing the door behind him with a glass of water in hand. He looked like he’d run a marathon – which he probably had since he’d taken seven months to get the water… or maybe it was just thirty seconds, Richie wasn’t sure.

He sat down at the end of the bed looking at Richie, who looked back at him.

“Here, drink some water.” Eddie passed the glass to him, and he grabbed it with shaky hands. “Slowly, though.” There was an implied ‘_I don’t want you to choke_’ that he was kind enough to leave out, and Richie nodded with a soft smile on his lips.

“I don’t know what happened.” Was all he could say as he sipped on the water.

“Anxiety is a bitch, Rich, you don’t always know what’s going on.”

Richie stared at Eddie for a long second. He was lying to him. He knew what happened. And he felt bad for lying.

He sighed. “Actually, that’s a lie, I know what’s going on.”

Eddie frowned for just a millisecond, the hurt showing through just enough for Richie to see it, before he softened his expression again and turned to face Richie.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Richie thought about it. He sipped on the water again and then left the glass next to the comic on the table. “I don’t want you to judge me.”

“I wouldn’t – What the fuck are you going on about, Richie? You’re my best friend, I’d never judge you! Unless you’re making terrible jokes, then yes. But other than that…” he trailed off, and Richie felt a ghostly hand squeeze his heart. Eddie was always so honest and open about feelings, whereas Richie felt the only emotion he was allowed to show was happiness. Everything outside that, he hid. “I didn’t judge you when you failed history when you mixed World War I and II, right?”

That was enough to make Richie chuckle. “I still think you secretly did, that was a dumb fucking mistake.”

Eddie laughed too, shaking his head. “I didn’t judge you because up until then, I also thought the same. Not anymore, though, thanks to you asking if Nazis were part of World War I.”

Richie felt himself turn red. “That’s such a dumb question though!”

“You were – what, ten? You were dumb.”

“Wow, thanks Ed’s, way to cheer your friend up.” He said, but he was smiling.

Ed shrugged with one shoulder. “What can I say? I’m just that good.”

Richie sighed, resting the back of his head against the wall, and looking up to the ceiling. “I panicked because you were too close.” He finally said. “And not in a ‘_I have boundaries you crossed_’, Spaghetti. You can breathe.” He half joked, looking down from the ceiling to his friend, who had started to panic as he spoke. He saw him calm down and wait for an explanation. “I was remembering when we used to always read comics, before we met the Losers. How I looked forward to reading them just because it meant spending time with you; laying next to you.”

Eddie shifted closer. “I loved the weekend just because of it. I can’t remember when we stopped doing it, but I know I hated not having that time with you.”

Which, they both knew was an exaggeration. The two of them spent as much time together, if not more. It wasn’t like they weren’t friends for years. It was just that – that was _their_ time. Not the Losers’, not their families’. It was their own alone time.

Richie nodded in agreement. “Yeah, me too.” He smiled softly. “So – I tried thinking of why I loved it so much, you know? Like… why? Why do I feel so fuzzy when you lay next to me? Why did I wait all week for half an hour of lying next to you? And why did that feeling come back the moment I lied down next to you, just now?”

Eddie’s eyes were glimmering, and Richie wasn’t sure if it was tears or just a trick of the light.

“And then these thoughts, these thoughts I’ve always had about liking boys and being the worst monster in the world, the thoughts you helped me with – they started saying things. How you were my secret, how you were the one that turned me into this — and then I realized that I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.” He said it, eyes looking at his friend. It was the first time he’d ever said those words to anyone who wasn’t his mom (or grandma, trying to leave his grandma’s house without saying I love you was an extreme sport he wasn’t willing to try). “And I know that I could _never_ be a monster for loving you, Ed. There’s no way that anything that included loving you could turn anyone into a monster.”

Richie ran out of words. There so many things he wanted to say, but seeing his friend paralyzed in front of him, not saying or doing anything, cut him off. He wanted to tell him it was okay if he didn’t. He wanted him to know that he wasn’t expecting anything just because he also liked boys. He wanted to apologize for being a terrible friend all these years, for hating that Susan girl, for hurting him whenever he didn’t want to talk about feelings.

So many things were still to be said, and yet – his lips were parted but frozen. Until Eddie pushed himself off the bed, and crawled over him, pressing a kiss against his lips.

It was soft, sweet, and not slimy and gross like the one Eddie had described so many years ago. It made Richie’s stomach twist and his heart start beating so hard he felt it in his throat. It burned the voices and demons inside Richie’s brain. Because there was no way something like this could be that bad.


	6. Nurtured, flourished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no X-Men comic line that has Colossus blowing up the moon but I honestly couldn't be bothered to look for what comics were popping in the 1980s so yeah.

Eddie jolted forward. Well, no. _He_ didn’t. Something made him kiss Richie. Not that he was complaining – no. He was thankful for whatever force gave him the strength to do it.

The moment his lips touched the other’s and his eyes closed, he could feel years of self-doubts and fears vanish. All those years of ‘_he’d never like me, even if he liked boys_’; ‘_how will I ever get someone to love me?_’; ‘_funny how you like girls and boys, since no one will ever like you_’; ‘_you’re gonna end up alone or have someone _settle_ for you_’.

Instead, he took in Richie’s words and framed them in his mind. Richie loved him. Richie, who liked boys, loved **_him_**. Richie, who was a pain in his ass every single day of his life; who was nasty and didn’t clean underneath his nails; who cursed like a sailor and made fun of everyone; who once punched Bowers so hard he had to put his hand on a bandage; who ate like shit and swallowed too loud; who was everything Eddie had been telling himself he hated for so long – just so the pain of not having him would dwindle.

His best fucking friend.

Eddie started laughing as soon as they parted, a nervous laugh, but a real one too. He sat down on Richie’s thighs, his hands grabbing Richie’s shirt.

“What was that, Ed’s?” he asked, because of course he fucking did.

Eddie looked at him through his glasses. “I’ve wanted to do that since I kissed Susan and realized I hated it because she wasn’t _you_.”

Richie smiled at him: a smile Eddie had never seen before. He took a picture of it and framed it next to his words in his mind. “So romantic. Do you always talk about your exes when you kiss boys?” He asked, and Eddie’s cheeks burnt all the way to his ears. Richie moved his hands to press them against Eddie’s cheeks. “We really are dumb, huh?”

Eddie nodded. “I thought it was only you, but what do I know?”

Richie chuckled, and looked at Eddie’s lips before leaning in and kissing him again.

The second one was better, Eddie thought. Less improvised, more planned out. Richie held his head as he kissed him, Eddie slow to reply. But he liked this, too. Having Richie kiss him with the need he felt, with all those fears and anxieties gone. Just, having Richie kiss him was sending some message down his spine, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Then his hands finally started moving up, finding their new favorite spot against Richie’s neck and on his shoulder – but he was sure those favorite spots would be changing all the time.

Richie’s tongue was sweet, and way too soft to be legal, when it made its way inside his mouth. It was slow, like it was trying its boundaries. To be frank, Eddie didn’t know his boundaries yet. He didn’t want to think of all the germs and fluids exchanged, so he didn’t. He followed what felt good, and Richie’s tongue against his felt _really good_.

Richie moved his hands down his face, one following the path down his neck, shoulder and arm; the other skipping the shoulder entirely and bringing him closer by the waist. He’d never noticed how big Richie’s hands were. Well, that’s a lie – but he didn’t notice how big they were against him. He was small and thin, and so his hand felt like it could just grab half of his waist.

When they moved away to breathe in, Richie’s eyes behind those glasses were the best thing he’d ever seen. Eddie smiled, a toothy smile that felt too small for the things he was feeling. Richie bit his own lower lip, and Eddie thought what it’d be like to do that himself. Instead, he asked “Where the fuck did you learn to kiss like that?”

Because yeah, he wasn’t an expert on kisses himself, but he knew a good kiss – and that wasn’t a first ever kiss.

“Well, your mothe—” Richie started, and the look Eddie gave him made him rethink his strategy. “Ah, you know, Eddie boy, I just can’t get the girls off me.”

Eddie laughed, a smirk replacing the sweet smile on his face. “Ah, yeah? Well, maybe I’ll let you go back to those girls–” But Richie’s grip on his hip tightened.

“No fucking way.” He sounded possessive, but not in the way his mom was possessive. It was different, it _felt_ different. Eddie kinda liked it. “I made out with a girl a couple summers ago, in that summer camp I went to.” He said, then, and Eddie frowned, obviously confused.

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“I mean, I did – I told everyone. No one believed me, though. Which, fair. I joke all the time.”

“Wait, is this the girl with the big boobs?”

It was Richie’s turn to turn red, and Eddie laughed. “She did have big boobs; I just wasn’t as interested as I made myself out to be.”

“Incredible.” Eddie said, the lingering rests of his laugh making them fall into a comfortable silence.

Richie’s grip on his hip had relaxed, and he was now tracing random shapes with his fingers over Eddie’s sweater. Eddie’s hand moved to the back of his neck and his fingers tangled on his hair before he leaned in and rested his body against Rich’s.

He could hear the other boy’s heartbeat, feel his chest moving up and down with every breath, and Eddie thought he could get used to this. Richie seemed to be thinking the same thing, as he hugged him tight and pressed a kiss against his forehead.

“I love you too, by the way.” Eddie whispered, loud enough so he knew Richie could hear him, but trying to keep it as intimate as possible. As if the world hearing could take him away from Eddie.

Richie stopped breathing for one heartbeat, and then tightened his grip. He felt his body shake slightly underneath him, and he tilted his head to look at him, and saw that he was crying. “Richie?”

He dismissed him with a smile and a shake of the head. “All good.” He said, and Eddie believed him because he felt that. He felt like crying and shouting and being dramatic, but at the same time he felt like he just wanted to stay as close to Richie as possible and maybe they could disappear if they didn’t move, and live like that; the two of them in their own world.

Richie sobbed for a couple of minutes, and then he calmed down and sighed. “Wanna read the comic?” He asked. Eddie groaned, because he didn’t wanna move. “Come on, I wanna read it and my legs are falling asleep.” Eddie groaned again, but moved, nonetheless. He sat down and looked at Richie again. “Hey, I know!” Richie helped him move off his legs, but then pushed him between them again, Eddie’s back now resting against his chest, his head against his shoulder. “Huh! You’re so small, you fit perfectly!” He teased, and Eddie looked up at him.

“Keep being a meanie, I can blackmail you with no kisses now.”

Richie pulled out a face, a mix of fear and disbelief. “No kisses for me means no kisses for you, either. Think about your threats, Ed’s.”

“Don’t call me that –” he said and looked back at their legs and got comfortable against him. “Come on, grab the fucking comic.”

“Do you remember what happened in the last one?” Richie asked.

“Colossus blew up the moon.”

“Fuck! Right, that whole plotline.”

They read the comic, commenting on how cool it would be to go to the moon; and then the conversation shifted to how cool it’d be to just space travel in general. All while not moving away from each other.

Eddie couldn’t find the strength in himself to stand up, make his way down and out and back into his house. He sighed.

“What’s up, Spaghetti?”

“I have to go home.”

“Oh.” Richie tightened his grip on his shirt again but let go right after. “Right.”

Eddie turned slightly so he could see him. “I wish I could stay, but – she’s gonna kill me if I don’t go, and I’d rather not see you tonight than the rest of the school year, you know?”

Richie nodded. “Yeah, I understand. Maybe you can ask her to stay here tomorrow. Make it legal, Ed’s.”

Eddie laughed slightly and nodded his head. “I’ll try. But I’ll see you tomorrow anyway, right? With the Losers?”

“Of course! What would you do without me?” Richie chuckled slightly, leaning down to press a kiss on his forehead, and Eddie smiled.

“How – what do we do about –”

The question fell out of his lips without an ending, but Richie knew what he meant. “You know what? I don’t care anymore.” He said, a smile so calm Eddie believed it. “We can tell them.”

Eddie smiled at him, beamed so bright his cheeks hurt. “I love you, Trashmouth.”

Richie laughed, hands tickling his sides. “You’re the one kissing this Trashmouth now, so be careful.” Eddie tried to get away from the tickling, but Richie had closed his legs around him, keeping him there to suffer the punishment.

“Please, stop, stop! I’m gonna pee myself, Richie, stop!” Eddie laughed, squirming and turning.

“If you pee in my bed, I’ll kill you, Eduardo!” Richie said, but didn’t stop tickling him until the two of them were out of breath.

They were now laying on the bed, somehow Eddie had turned around enough that he was laying chest-to-chest over Richie, between his legs. The other boy’s glasses were crooked, so Eddie reached out to fix them, and then dropped his hand next to his head on the pillow.

“If this is how it’s gonna be from now on every time you leave, I hate it already.” Richie muttered.

“I wouldn’t have taken you for a sappy one, Richie.” Eddie teased, finger poking his cheek. “I hate it too, though.” Richie smiled and pushed himself off the mattress to kiss Eddie.

Eddie got caught off guard and a small ‘hmm’ escaped his throat. Yeah, he could get used to all of this, even if leaving was hard… it was worth it.

“Alright, four eyes, I’m gonna go now. I can’t give you all the first night, what kind of boy do you think I am?”

Richie made a noise between a groan and a laugh but untangled himself from Eddie. The shorter boy then stood up, followed by Richie. They both made their way to the kitchen with no problems, since Richie’s mom had fallen asleep.

Richie stood there, looking at him step outside, and after looking at the neighbor’s houses, he leant in and kissed him again. “Night, Ed’s.”

“Night, Rich.”


	7. Blooms in adversity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one!  
I hope it wasn't terrible and you enjoy it!  
Happy ending y'all.

Whatever had happened in the last days left the Losers confused. They went from normal, to not talking, to normal, to – this. Which was normal but with an added something that left the rest of the group confused.

Bev came up to Bill as Eddie tried to bury Richie in fallen autumn leaves, with the help of Mike. Ben and Stan were watching from one of the park’s benches, and Bill was sitting on the other when the girl had approached him.

“What do you think’s going on?” She asked.

“I… dunno.” He simply said, looking at her with a frown.

He didn’t. Bill thought it was their same old banter, the same old teasing, but he also saw something else. Something like what he saw when Ben looked at Bev. And even if he wasn’t the one to ask, it was eating at him.

“Do you think they –”

A shrug, the most accurate answer he could give.

“I mean, I wouldn’t p-put it past them.”

Bev chuckled. “I can’t believe they’ve done it.”

Bill looked at them. Mike had dropped a lot of leaves over Richie’s chest, and Eddie was making sure they stayed there.

“We shouldn’t a-assume, Bev.” Bill whispered, but he was smiling; hopeful.

“Always so unbiased…” She teased, pushing him with her elbow.

Bill turned to her once more, a small smile on his lips. “Assumptions of-often leave to m-miscommunication.” Bev nodded in agreement as she looked at Ben. Ben was looking at them, too, and Bill noticed Bev’s smile fluttering. “You should tah-talk to him.”

“Who?”

“Ben.”

Bev squinted her eyes at him. “Why do you say that?”

“You know.”

“Stop being so wise. You’re too young, it’s creepy.”

Bill was the one to shove at her, softly. “Jus-just do it.”

Bev nodded again and then turned to the now floating head of Richie, laughing so much he was making the leaves fall off him, while Mike and Eddie told him to stop it.

“Should we ask?”

“Maybe.”

“Will we ask?”

“I’ll let t-t-them tell us.”

Once it was too cold to be out playing in the park, they made their way to a diner to grab some warm chocolates. They sat in the corner table with the round couch around the table; Bill on one end, Richie on the other. Eddie was next to him, poking at him with his spoon, and Richie just grabbed the spoon, licked it, and put it inside Eddie’s hot chocolate.

Stan gasped next to him, and the whole group was expecting Eddie to start bickering about how gross that was and how ‘_you’ve ruined my hot chocolate, dickhead! You’re gonna pay for it, since your germs are in there now_’, but instead, Eddie grabbed Richie’s spoon, licked it and put it in his hot chocolate.

“Alright, I’m sorry Bill, but I –” Bev looked at Bill for a second before turning to the odd couple again. “What the fuck?”

“What?” Richie asked, as if they’d just appeared out of nowhere and they were interrupting.

“You liked his spoon and he didn’t freak out. What the fuck is going on?”

“Language! Geez, this generation is going to waste.” Richie shook his head, and Stan hit the table a little too strong, so he turned to him. “What!?”

“Just tell us.” He said.

Richie and Eddie shared a look, and Eddie shrugged. “I guess…”

“We’re dating.” Eddie said, still looking at Richie. Mike, who was sitting next to Eddie, frowned and opened his mouth.

“What… _The fuck_.” He said.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I like boys. Not girls, sorry Bev –” Richie said, and Bill’s eyebrows shot up.

“About damn time.” Bill said, with a smile growing on his lips.

“Yeah, I thought I was going crazy!” Ben laughed slightly. “Congrats, guys.”

“You little shits, you didn’t tell us!” Bev said, but she was smiling.

“You didn’t ask! And it’s not that recent, anyway.”

“How did it happen?” Stan asked, pretending to not be interested, but dying to know.

“Well, the day – they day he came out to you guys, I came out to him. It was a weird day, I – never accepted myself, you know? And he did. Accept me, I mean.” Richie started, his fingers fidgeting on his mug. Eddie placed his small hand on his forearm. “And I saw how you accepted him, no questions asked, no judgements made, and that helped _me_.”

“He got rid of the posters in his room, guys.” Eddie said, like that explained everything. Bill chuckled. “I went to his house because my mot- anyway I went there and his walls were bare, and then we went to read this new _X-Men_ comic that had come out and it brought us back to before the Losers and we talked and then –”

“He fucking kissed me, basically.” Richie finished as Eddie’s voice grew softer.

Bev clapped her hands and laughed. “I fucking knew it! Told you, Bill, I told you.”

Bill nodded. “Yeah, it was bah-bound to happen.” He said. “I’m happy f-for y-you guys!”

After that, the group went on to talk about different things. Some of them were talked about amongst all of them; other were talked about in couples. Bill saw Bev lean in to whisper something to Ben’s ear, who turned red and nodded his head before the two of them excused themselves and made their way outside the diner.

Stan looked at Bill for a moment, exchanging a look, and then turned to Mike to keep their conversation. Bill then looked at Richie and Eddie, who where fighting about marshmallows and cookies, and he smiled. They really were good for each other, in a very weird and dysfunctional way.

Bill was kind of jealous, and he would deny it to everyone, but he couldn’t deny it to himself. His crush on Beverly had gone nowhere after a while, and she seemed to be into Ben. He was happy for them, honestly. Ben was the best guy for her, even better than himself, and Bev deserved all the best. But that left him feeling like he was lonely and surrounded by couples.

Which wasn’t true and he knew it. Stan, Mike and he would be single still. And he knew that his partnered-up friends wouldn’t leave them alone – or so he hoped, anyway. He couldn’t see Richie and Eddie not hanging out with them anymore, or Bev and Ben. They would all spend more time alone, but not distance themselves from them. Bill _knew_ this, or _wanted_ to know this, at least.

“Please, guys, tell him he’s being stupid and that burning marshmallows in a bonfire won’t add germs to it.”

“Fire is known to kill bacteria.” Stan said, and Richie turned to Eddie and pointed at Stan.

“See? Stan the Man knows what’s up!”

“But a fire that’s burning untreated wood in the forest will add germs to your food!”

“I’ll add germs to your food!” Richie muttered, grabbing Eddie’s spoon again and licking it so grossly even Bill had to look away.

“Gross, Richie!” Eddie cried out and slapped his shoulder. “I’m now single again, I’m looking for a new boyfriend who’s not as fucking **_gross_**!”

“You’re single, huh?” Richie asked, a smirk on his features. “Alright, I’ll keep the surprise I had for you at home for myself.”

“A surprise?” Eddie said, already having forgotten about their argument.

“Yeah, but I can give it to my next boyfriend, it’s no big deal. What do you say, Bill, do you wanna see the surprise?”

Eddie stared at Bill, and Bill laughed. “S-sure, Richie.”

“Mean!” Eddie groaned and crossed his arms over his chest.

Bill laughed some more and sipped his hot chocolate.

“You did this to yourself, Ed’s. You broke up with me.”

Eddie turned to him and pulled his tongue out at Richie. Richie grabbed it with his fingers. “I’m gonna miss this.”

Mike chuckled. “Shut up, Richie. You’re not gonna get rid of me so easily.” Eddie slid his hand around Richie’s arm.

“You were the one getting rid of me!”

“Shush. Sorry Bill, maybe next time.”

“It’s oh-okay.” He assured. “I’m not sure I could deal with Richie anyway.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This was so fun to write and I really love my kids.  
I have something in mind next but I procrastinate a lot when it comes to writing.  
If you wanna find me anywhere, my twitter is @sambuckytrash. come scream at me about reddie or literally anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you thought of it and leave kudos if you liked it!


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